What I did about my worst depression in over a decade
Yeah, you read that right. I have not had depression this bad in over a decade. A DECADE. It’s really a big deal and I haven’t been able to write in months.
Let me tell you a little something about depression. It fucking sucks. Period. It is completely encompassing of everything in my life.
If I could take a magic pill and make it go away, I would. If I could “just get over it”, I would. But trust me, it’s not that easy.
Even now I’m having a difficult time explaining how hard it’s been the last few months. Most people think depression is all about sadness. It’s not. For me, it’s 30% numb, 30% I hate myself, 20% sad, and 20% tired.
For me, it’s 30% numb, 30% I hate myself, 20% sad, and 20% tired.
When I was about to give it all up, I decided to make a few changes. With the little motivation I do have, I can schedule appointments to give myself a little nudge in the right direction.
This is what I did about it.
Go back to counseling
At first it was difficult for me to accept that I needed help yet again. I didn’t want to admit that I needed to go back to counseling or start my meds again. But in the end what’s most important is that I chose to take care of myself, no matter what means necessary.
It’s okay to go back to counseling. In fact there’s a ton of things throughout life that counseling would ease and help resolve. Mental illness, loss of a loved one, trauma, divorce, marriage, childcare, loss of a job, etc.
Counseling is not a once and done sort of solution. It’s like going to your medical doctor once a year to check up on your body. You don’t go once and decide you’re good forever. Mental health (like physical health) needs constant attention and care.
Mental health (like physical health) needs constant attention and care.
Start my antidepressants AGAIN
Asking my doctor to start me on my antidepressants again wasn’t exactly easy, but I wasn’t embarrassed either. I am proud of myself for that because I sought out the help I need.
I don’t see medication as a crutch or something to hide. Medication is something that allows my brain to function properly while I try to sort out my current issues.
Purchase a gym membership
I got a gym membership again to force myself out of the house. And the truth be told, a gym membership that includes studio yoga classes is a hell of a lot cheaper than buying a pass for a yoga studio. Yoga is kind of my thing, but so is lifting weights. It works.
See a nutritionist
To really take care of every aspect of my life, I decided to see a nutritionist as well. Like many people, I didn’t develop the healthiest relationship with food, and I decided to put an end to it if I could.
Instead of obsessing over every calorie going into my mouth and only thinking about what I shouldn’t be eating, I decided to learn what will nourish my body. That way I’m aware of the specific benefits of foods, and learn what my body needs.
There are few things in this world that allow you to travel time and space, and one is reading. Lately I’ve been reading anything and everything that will help improve my mood and mental health.
Call me a nerd, but I am so proud of my library card. I just think it’s the coolest thing ever. Judge me if you want.
Take a break
And when life gives you a comfy bed and some spare time, take a damn nap and don’t feel bad about it. It’s okay to put yourself first, and really that’s the way it always should be.
I had to make the choice to give up, or to force myself in the right direction, no matter how uncomfortable. One thing I’ve learned about mental illness (or really anything in life) is that it’s a continual battle for something better. Recovery is an ongoing task throughout life.
When tragedy happened and I needed the extra help, I started up my mental health routine again. And that’s okay. There is no need to beat myself up over starting over again. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help whether it’s the first time, or the hundredth time.
Remember that you’re always worth it.