Forgiveness is for you, not them.
My story of forgiveness
My icky, sticky road to forgiveness. Feel free to skip this and get to the good stuff if you can’t help yourself!
I’m going to share with you something very personal. I had sort of an epiphany moment one night while bullshitting with my roommates.
For all my life I was upset and resentful towards my biological parents. To put it simply… abuse, neglect, abandonment, alcoholism, and drug addiction. They didn’t ask for forgiveness, nor do they deserve it, but I need my peace. ‘Nuff said.
So with all those wonderful little gifts that were given to me, I couldn’t help but believe…
If my biological parents can’t love me, how on earth can anyone else love me?
Epiphany moment! TA DA!
The people in my life that DO love me, aren’t related to me by blood. So this must mean I’m actually really lovable, because they don’t HAVE to love me. They choose to love me, for me! (Because I’m awesome) Isn’t that better anyway? (In a sick, twisted sort of way) Haha, but anyway…
Through this realization, I learned a lot all at once. I learned that I am lovable, and I do deserve love. I gained self awareness, and self-esteem by switching my mindset. This also gave me the strength to forgive my biological parents. I feel sorry for them, and I also feel compassion for them.
Why? Because I refuse to let them weigh me down anymore. I forgive them because I want to be at peace, and I want to let go of all the ill feelings they created. I don’t want all those bad beliefs to linger and spill over into other relationships. I’m going to be happy, dammit! And I deserve nothing less!
Forgiveness frees you, and brings you peace. I’m a walking example of that.
What is forgiveness?
Forgiveness, by definition, is the conscious and voluntary decision to release yourself from ill feelings and resentment from another that has caused you harm in any way. Note this does not mean forgetting and excusing actions of the other person. Forgiving someone also means letting go of the ill feelings, regardless if the other person asked for forgiveness, or even deserves it.
Kind of harsh right? Hell no!
This brings us to our next conversation. Who is forgiveness for?
Who is forgiveness for?
Forgiveness is for you, and only you.
I know it’s tempting to expect an apology from someone, but that will only keep you frustrated. Don’t expect an apology! If the person thinks you deserve an apology and has the courage to do so, they will give you an apology!
Sometimes people don’t realize they’ve hurt you.
This is when you speak up and tell them! They can’t read your mind! Don’t be afraid to share your feelings. What are you afraid of?
Are you afraid of them not listening to your feelings, dismissing them, or making fun of you? Fuck them. You don’t need people like that in your life. Only keep people in your life that care about you. It’s very simple.
So who is forgiveness for? Forgiveness is for people who want to let go of the bad feelings left there by others.
Don’t do it for them, do it for yourself and you will have peace.
Why we need to forgive
Some people don’t ask for forgiveness. Others don’t deserve forgiveness. That’s okay.
We forgive for ourselves right?
You need to learn to forgive others so you can live as happily and as healthy as possible. Forgiveness allows you to be aware of the situation, and let it go.
We all know bottling up feelings is harmful right? Do yourself a favor and cauterize the wound before it festers and creates a bigger problem.
This brings us to when we should forgive people.
When should we forgive?
The sooner you forgive someone, the sooner you can move on.
I know this ones hard, but just suck it up and do it!
How do we forgive?
Forgiving someone is difficult, and especially when they don’t deserve it. But remember, we forgive to give ourselves peace.
We have zero control over others and their actions. Let go of what you can’t control.
What you can control is how you react to people and their actions. For example…
Someone does something shitty to you. *it hurts and we’re aware of that*
When they apologize, or don’t. *remember that they treat you that way (perhaps) because they’ve been treated that way*
I feel some compassion coming on…
Just like us, they have the option to be shitty or not. We don’t cause their actions, so DON’T believe that they’re being shitty because YOU deserve it. You don’t deserve people being shitty to you, and they don’t deserve it either.
Start the chain reaction, and kill harm with kindness. Stop harm in it’s tracks, and don’t let it gain momentum.
The quicker you forgive, the quicker you can feel peace.
This is where you make the decision to distance yourself from them, or keep them close. You are the best judge of what’s best for you. Make good decisions for yourself.
Remember you are the one responsible for your own happiness. Let yourself have it!